An Open Letter To All Interested In Being On The News

I saw a story on one of our local news programs this morning in which a woman was being interviewed who, well, didn't graduate from Harvard University. She didn't exactly look like Cindy Crawford either. And she didn't exactly live in a mansion.

Not that there is anything wrong with not having graduated from Harvard, not looking like Cindy and not living in a mansion. On the contrary. People from all walks of life have many admirable qualities about them.

But some qualities that people exhibit can be quite humorous and, sometimes, even more so, quite embarrassing - especially when you put a TV camera on them.

You know what I'm talking about. Severe weather hits. A major local catasrophe happens. Someone dies. Someone is rescued. Someone wins the lottery. And the TV news just wants the first soundbite that really grabs people's attention.

So they seek.

It's kind of like Star Trek in a way. They seek out new life, and new civilizations - life and civilizations that you didn't realize lived just a few miles away until you see it on TV. Or maybe you know it does - and you either tend to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist, and/or laugh at it.

Well, I've put together somwhat of a guide for people to use for when they are being interviewed for TV news or think there may be a chance that will happen to them at some point. This document is highly targeted too, specifically at an alarmingly high percentage of South Carolinians, but extending from parts of western Pennsylvania on down the eastern seaboard, around the gulf and down into Texas. So here goes:

Dear Interviewee:

Congratulations on being selected as an interview participant for a story on which we are reporting today. You may be scared or nervous at this point, but rest assured many and most people are in this situation. So we have put together a short guide that we hope will help you through this.

Please keep the following things in mind:

• Don't be nervous. Try not to be yourself. Just remember, probably at least half a million people are going to see this. Don't feel embarrassed - just yet. That hopefully will come after you watch this on the 6 o'clock show tonight.
  
• Unless it actually is, this is not an audition for America's Got Talent. So please don't play the Star Spangled Banner with your armpit or showcase your bottle-blowing abilities just for the sake of showing the reporter than you can do it.
  
• Until you have had an actual freight train come through your living room, you have no basis for comparison as to what that actually sounds or feels like. So don't use that as a basis for comparison until you actually have that happen to you. This rule also applies to describing an experience in terms of a tornado, whether it felt or sounded like one came through the room also - whether before or after the train, or on its own.
• Not everyone knows where Joe Don or Ray Ray's houses are so please don't use them as reference points for establishing directionality or location
• Not every adjective needs to be modified. And please don't speak in metaphor. Ever. It will make you sound like a redneck, although you may already be one. Examples relating directly to this include:
  • "Worser" - This is not a word. Generally speaking things can't get much more worse than they already are.
    
  • "Stupider" - Something or someone can not be any more "stupid" than they already are. There are no degrees of stupid. Stupid just is as stupid does. Dumb, however, is an entirely different case. You, people, things, what have you, can be varying degrees of dumb.
  • "Deader (than a doornail, than roadkill, than.. well, you get the drift)" - When something is dead, it's just dead. Case closed.
    
  • Generally speaking, people will know something was loud when you say it was loud. You don't say it was "louder than en elephant tearing through a buncha trees." Yes there are varying degrees of volume and those are generally covered by "slightly," "moderately," "very," and "extremely." It stands to reason that this rule can also be applied to describing the degree of something's or someone's smell
    
  • When something is gross, you don't say it's "nastier than a diaper fulla poop" - just say that it's gross.
  • "Smarter than the average bear" - Do not say this. The only way this is ever pulled off is if you are Dave Coulier or are a cartoon bear named Yogi.
• The only type of grammatically acceptable usage of the word "dang" is as an exclamation of surprise, i.e. "Dang. I actually just said that."
• I wouldn't recommend referring to past illegal activities or infractions that you and/or somebody you know have committed or participated in and not yet been charged and/or prosecuted for if I were you , even in a comparative sense to the main subject at hand. There are statutes of limitations on many crimes that don't run out after a week.
• Only certain people can pull off wearing a smiley-face t-shirt. You're probably not one of them.
• Not everyone knows what burnt woodchuck smells or tastes like, so don't use it as a comparative reference.
  
• Keep any friends or relatives out of the immediate vicinity from where you are being interviewed who are prone to shout things out like "Hey, watch this!" or "Check this out!"
• Ice is what you get out of the freezer. Ass is what is at the top of your legs. The two are not the same and are not pronounced the same. Please do not say that you are getting some ass cream or people are going to wonder if you have a hemorrhoid issue. And unless someone drove the car over your ass, your car did not just slide on ass. It slid on ice.
• Our television transmissions are sent into outer space. Please don't let the human race down. What you say on TV could convince a highly advanced race of extraterrestrial life that has many technologies that would be usable for eliminating famine, disease, hunger, and war on Earth that it would be unwise for them to make contact with us. Why help out such a backwards race of beings? That shirt you were wearing on TV that says "I love my dog" could make or break that deal for us. They and we don't want to know that you love your dog - especially if you love your dog in unnatural ways.
  
• The reporter generally does not care to be covering this story. They want to go out and cover real news. But while they have to do this assignment, they're looking for someone entertaining, who looks or acts or says things that are totally off-the-wall. Don't give in to the stereotype and act the way they want you to act which you are naturally inclined to anyway. People do judge. It's human nature. It's something we don't want to admit we do, but we do. So try to act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

And please do the following things:

• If you're being interviewed at home, people are going to see your living room or yard (and I do understand sometimes that the two are one in the same) - so take a few minutes to tidy up beforehand. We don't need to see your arsenal of spray cheese or collection of Elvis lawn ornaments.
• Brush your teeth (at least the ones you have left)
• Comb/brush your hair (and please remember the take the rollers out first)
• Guys, please put on a shirt. This also applies to some women. Scary.
• Please put out the cigarette and/or get rid of the chewing tobacco in your mouth.
• Pull up your pants. Nobody wants to see it. This applies to men and women.
  
• Take a minute to break out your handy, dandy Roget's pocket thesaurus to find some new adjectives you've never thought of using. We pretty much went over this one in Bullet #5 in the previous list.
  
• Please don' t talk to someone with food in your mouth. We don't want to see it. Especially partially-devoured pork rinds. Throw out the bubble gum too. We really don't need to see your cow imitation
• Keep your rugrats in check, but don't discipline them on camera. Make sure they know there will be consequences if they act up on camera or in the background, either way. And please put a shirt on them, comb their hair, and take away their toy guns.
  
• Don't be judgmental on camera. Keep your opinions to yourself about other people. You don't want to be considered rude, discriminatory or intolerant whether you are or not.
• Do not refer to the photog and/or reporter as "dude" or "hey man"
  
• And, again, act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

Don't worry. The interview will be over before you know it. We thank you for your participation and look forward to making you look like a fool on TV.

Sincerely,

Your local news team

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me....

And as we're buying our Halloween candy last night for the -maybe- five or six trick or treater's that we will have, I see the above scene.

This is wrong and tacky on so many levels, I don't even know what to say, other than "Come on, Target; are you kidding me?"

Are you as disgusted by this as I was?

The Land Where Manners Stand Still

So the wife and I are sitting in a CVS, waiting on a prescription a few evenings ago. Some guy is walking to the back of the store and I hear him talking. As he rounds the corner at the end of the aisle and starts coming towards us, I notice he's got a Bluetooth device in his ear.

You know, one of those little "Hey look at me, I think I look cool but I really look like a geek from Star Trek" devices.....

He's not keeping his conversation very private. He was talking to someone named Lee, who at first I thought was a woman.

At first, the conversation went something like ".... I think we need to talk more about this .... Lee, this is a tough decision for me... there are some issues that I don't think are getting resolved..."

Oh man, dude is breaking up with his girlfriend in a CVS over a Bluetooth. How lame.

Then we hear "Lee, I think you're a great father.... Your son has some serious issues .... He needs help ... I want to be there to support you, but I don't think I can anymore ... Your son needs to talk to someone."

While all of this is being said, he's making a purchase at the prescription counter and conversing with the cashier also. I was just baffled at the complete lack of respect he was showing for the person he was talking to over the phone AND for the cashier by having this conversation out in the open, at a pharmacy counter nonetheless.

I don't get people like that.

I don't get why people think other people need to hear their what should be private conversations.

Why do people think the world needs to hear them yak on their cell phone all the time?

I think the cell phone is helping lead us down a path from which there is looking to be less and less of a return -- to The Land Where Manners Stand Still.

If I have something that I don't want other people to hear, I won't talk on my cell phone in public. I try to avoid talking on my cell phone in public in the first place. I'm really not a big phone person anyway. There are a lot of times when I'm with a group of friends or in a situation where I think it is really inappropriate to be taking phone calls -- and I'll just press the ignore button on the phone and let it go to voice mail.

If it is someone important, I will call them back when it is a more convenient time.

I see a ton of people that are totally the opposite of this. I know several people who I think have Cellphone Attachment Disorder, where they can't live unless they're on their phone talking to someone. It doesn't matter where they are, when they are, or who they're with, they always have to be on the phone. That I truly don't understand and think is completely rude.

Then there are the people who think they, themselves, are just the end all be all. This gets back to the "Gimme" attitude.

"Gimme a hamburger and fries. Oh, and gimme a coke too" ---- or "gimme that pen. I need to write you a check"

Well, gimme ain't never got me nothin'....

Whatever happened to "May I please have.." or "Would you mind if I borrow your ...." ?

I went through my adventures in paying car taxes and getting a new license plate today. All in all, not a bad experience. Didn't take as long as I expected. As always, there were a fair share of totally ignorant people at the tax office and at the DMV who have no clue how the process of paying taxes or getting a vehicle registered go. I'm amazed that some of these people know how to get out of bed and put their clothes on in the morning.

But there was this one lady whose number was a few before mine and made it up to the counter several minutes ahead of me whose conversation I happened to hear vividly.

She goes up to the counter, baby in a diaper and t-shirt in tow (being carried notheless) -- and slaps both her paperwork down on the counter and the baby.

"Gimme one of the new license plates - I just paid my money to the county taxman," she says rudley as her baby leans over and starts playing with this and that on the counter which all belong to the DMV rep.

I thinking, "Lady, I would love to give you a one-way ticket back to Kindergarten so you can learn some manners."

Why do people think they can just go from day to day thinking that they're so entitled to this or that and get away with telling people to give them this or that, rather than politely asking for something?

I am big on manners in public. I admit there are times when I'm irritated or frustrated or just in a bad mood and I get a little short with people. I always feel bad about that afterwards. Unless they just had it coming to them for whatever reason they were being difficult in the first place....

But so many people are setting bad examples of how to act in public. So many people are raising rude children (If I ever find my future son or daughter on a bluetooth phone in public telling someone to give them something... well let's just say that's not going to happen in the first place)

And society in general isn't doing anything to address rudness in general. Mostly, anyway.

I was in the post office recently, waiting in line, and this woman goes up to the counter yakking away on her cell phone,. Before she's able to say anything to the worker behind the counter, said worker says, "Ma'm, we have a policy that we will not help customers who are on their cell phone. I guess you may have missed the sign right there (and she points to one) --- So if you would please step to the side and finish your phone conversation, we'll let you get back in line when you're done."

I came about half an inch from clapping. Instead I just grinned.

"Well that's just rude," the woman on the cell phone said as she walked away from the counter to continue her conversation.

Lady, do you want to be the pot or the kettle today?

What has happened? --- are the cell phone makers to blame? Is Ray Kroc to blame for allowing fast food service to serve as a catlyst for rudeness? We're going downhill in a way which it's getting more and more apparent that we're going to have to have a miracle to come back from.

Wal-Mart Sucks

I really despise going to Wal-Mart. About the only time I ever go into one is late, late at night when everything else is closed.

About an hour ago I found myself in a Wal-Mart about 8 minutes from our place. It was late, the store is nearby, and I figured I could save a few bucks by going there.

Yeah, I did save a few bucks. But was it was really worth it? Not really.

This particular Wal-Mart is generally pretty nasty. Not only with dirty floors, but items from one end of the store are frequently found left on shelves at the total opposite end.
Who knew that antifreeze, feminine pads, and nachos all belonged on the same shelf together?

Adding to the nastiness of the store is the nastiness of the people. It amazes me how disgusting the average Wal-Mart shopper looks. Most seem to have no care or concern for their own appearance.

I just happened to hit the store at restock time.

So as I'm standing in the deoderant aisle, there is a flurry of stock people moving up and down the aisle (at one point literally six in the same aisle I was standing) and I'm trying to talk to my wife on my cell phone as all these idiots are yelling things back and forth to each other.

OK, well I'll come back to that aisle in a few minutes.

Went to the music and electronics section. I'm a Best Buy or Circuit City fan. I could literally spend all day in either of those stores. But Wal-Mart's excuse for a music and electronics section will do in a pinch.

I'm perusing CDs and find about six from which I want to listen to a couple tracks. CDs in hand, I'm looking for the CD thingamajig with the headphones. Can't find one, so I ask the nearest stockboy and he says they got rid of them. That really irritated me.

Went back to the deoderant aisle, found the closest thing to what my wife was having me look for, and grabbed a few other miscellaneous things from neighboring aisles. They also didn't have the ACT mouthwash I was looking for. So then I made my way to go check out.

Here comes the biggest irritation of the night --- with 22 checkout lanes in the store, only lane 12 was open. One lane. And two of the women out of the six people ahead of me have carts full of who knows what.

It took 15 minutes from the time I got in line until they opened up 2 additional lanes. Probably because at that point the line was backed up to lane 4.

We all bolted. It was like hundreds of mice all running for a small piece of cheese.

I'm happy to say I beat most of the other mice to the cheese. Except for the guy in front of me who couldn't speak English and kept looking at the cashier like she was nuts when she started asking him questions while she took her sweet-ass time scanning his 100 shirts made in Chinese sweatshops.

By the time I got out of the there, I felt like I was about to go insane. All the more reason for me to try to get out to the store before 9 pm when Target closes. At least their stores are clean, most of their items are in stock, and the shoppers are generally a little more plesant. Plus they have a Starbucks.

And at the end of the day, it will always hold true that Wal-Mart sucks.

Halloween - A Paranoid Safety Monger's Worst Nightmare

On Halloween night, our neighborhood suddenly became a treasure chest in the middle of everything.

The night would start off with our local fire department sounding their siren, probably around 6 or so. That was the signal we waited all year for. My sister and I would start out, mom in tow, with several other friends and their mothers, and hit the neighborhood. And for an elementary schooler, our neighborhood was HUGE! At the end of the night, it always felt like we had walked 100 miles. But the reward for the three or so hours of trick or treating was always worth it --- two or three plastic pumpkins full of loot. It was chocolate gold. And, man, was it an awesome feeling. Then around 9, the fire department would sound their siren again and that was the signal to go home.

Mind you, all this was done on the night that trick or treating is meant to be done --- Halloween night.

I just measured our old trick or treat route on Google maps. It looks like it was about 3.5 or so miles round-trip. If you figure 10 houses per 1,000 feet, that ends up being 277 houses. Figure half of those weren't handing out candy, so that still 138 houses. And 2-3 mini candy bars per house (or Reese's cups, the preferable treat of choice), that's between 275 and 400 pieces of candy. All this while wearing a plastic Darth Vader mask, strapped to my head with a rubber band, with a little slit in the mask to breathe through -- and a cool black plastic sheet painted to look like Darth's body adorning mine. Basically a cool trash bag. But it was cool, that's the thing.

Okay, fast forward 22 years.... The paranoid, safety mongers have taken Halloween and totally diluted it down to a parking lot bash.

WTF????

There are several things that I find totally screwed up/bizarre/stupid/and or wack about the state of Halloween these days.

1. The costumes --- Our nephews, 6 and 7 respectively, are wearing store bought, fabric, looks-like-mom-sewed-it-together-in-an-attempt-to-keep-her-kids-in-childhood-naivete-all-their-life skunk and kangaroo costumers....... WTF???? Costumes are supposed to be cool. You're not supposed to look like a farm animal. What happened to the plastic, slit-to-breathe-through masks? Okay, so someone said they were unsafe. Boo, hoo. It's unsafe leave the house in the morning, but people still do it.

2. Caravanning to neighborhoods --- We used to walk. (See above) People wonder why their kids are getting fat. It's not because of the candy -- it's dad and mom's job to eat most of it anyway. It's because they cart their kids around in the minivan with a horde of other kids to strategically targeted neighborhoods or houses, and they drive them from house to house. That takes the entire purpose out of going on foot, house to house.

3. Two or three nights before Halloween ---- Halloween is meant to be celebrated and conducted on Halloween. Don't vary it from community to community. That just confuses the parents and the kids. And the homeowners (you're not sure exactly which night everyone will be arriving) Do it on Halloween only. So what if it's a schoool night. They're kids. They're supposed to have FUN trick or treating -- and sometimes fun means staying up past bedtime on a school night.

4. Pillowcases --- One of the most greedy trends I have seen in recent years are kids carrying around pillowcases for their candy to be put in. Go get a little plastic pumpkin like your parents had before you. Get two or three of them. That way when they fill up quickly, you'll feel alot happier and prouder of your night's trick or treating efforts. It takes a lot longer to fill up a pillowcase -- and as long as it's not full, the kid using it is going to feel shortchanged.

5. Rudeness --- This relates to point four, but has several expansion subpoints to it. You don't just go up to the door and hold out your pumpkin/pillowcase, whatever the case may be, without saying trick or treat. It's rude. And the parents who allow their children to do that need to be smacked. Say 'Trick or Treat' and then after you get your treat, you say 'Thank you.' Those phrases are not difficult to say at all. I make it a point to let the kids know that they're being rude when they don't say thank you by saying, 'You're welcome....' if they don't. Hopefully that will set some little lightbulb off it their hand that they're being a greedy, ungrateful little brat. I just spent $30 on Halloween candy and they had better say thank you.

4. Trunk or treat --- This is new to me. The first time I heard about it was this year. Our church is holding one. When I heard of the idea, I was like, 'WTF???" It's just bizarre. You all gather in a parking lot. You fill your trunk up with candy. And the kids go from car to car, trick or treating.

Okay, like I said earlier, I get people are alot more safety conscious nowadays. The have a right to be. There are some scary, freaky people out there. But come on, let you kids have fun in the traditional way that Halloween was meant to be conducted. Just use common sense. Watch out for your kids. Go out with them. Don't go in a van. Use the old tried and true, one foot in front of the other, walking method. It will help teach your kids the value of hard work. And they'll have such a fun time going house-to-house, rather than subdivision to subdivision with mom - or dad - or both.

And don't let the paranoid, safety mongers take away the true spirit of Halloween!!

Unrelated Topics On the Mind

I feel bad I haven't blogged in a few weeks. I have a few things that I want to just mention really quickly though. I may expand on these in the very near future, but for now I just wanted to get these out of my brain and onto paper (or the web, as the case may be)

1. Thomas Ravenel
For those of you who are unfamiliar with who Thomas Ravenel is, he is the (suspended) South Carolina State Treasurer. Earlier this week he was indicted on drug-related charges. This guy seemed sleezy from the get-go. He's just one of those types of people that looks like you can't trust him from the minute he opens his mouth. I am a die-hard, card carrying member of the GOP but this guy just is like nails on chalkboard. In every election since I was 18 I voted a straight Republican ticket - except in 2006. The one non-party line vote I have ever cast in my life was for Ravenel's Democratic opponent, Grady Patterson, who had been in office for years.

People like Ravenel are the reason why most of the nation thinks South Carolinians are an uneducated bunch of inbred hicks. He is an embarassment to the entire state. I don't understand why in the world ANYONE in a position like his would even think of being involved in anything remotely illegal. Yet politicians do it all the time. Again, this is a case of someone of status thinking they are above the law. And, fortunately for the justice system, the law caught up to him, yet unfortunately for the state of South Carolina, it makes us look like a bunch of drugged up rednecks. Thanks Thomas.

2. 9 Heroes
On a sad and tragic note....
Nine Charleston firefighters died earlier this week when the roof of a mattress store collapsed onto them as they were searching the store, which was engulfed in a massive fire, for anyone remaining inside. It was the highest loss of firefighters in a single instance since September 11, 2001. My thoughts and prayers go out to each and every family member and friend of each of these brave men.

3. Get in the game, Fred
Fred Thompson is polling very well right now, despite the fact he is not officially a candidate for president. A lot of people are saying he will bring a return a Reaganesque era to Washington. Frankly, I would like to see that. I think Thompson is really the only true unifying candidate the GOP is going to have and the only one who will be able to topple Hillary. Edwards and Obama are both a joke. The GOP can take them out of this game with relative ease if either survives the primary.

That's it for now.... more to come on Friday.