An Open Letter To All Interested In Being On The News

I saw a story on one of our local news programs this morning in which a woman was being interviewed who, well, didn't graduate from Harvard University. She didn't exactly look like Cindy Crawford either. And she didn't exactly live in a mansion.

Not that there is anything wrong with not having graduated from Harvard, not looking like Cindy and not living in a mansion. On the contrary. People from all walks of life have many admirable qualities about them.

But some qualities that people exhibit can be quite humorous and, sometimes, even more so, quite embarrassing - especially when you put a TV camera on them.

You know what I'm talking about. Severe weather hits. A major local catasrophe happens. Someone dies. Someone is rescued. Someone wins the lottery. And the TV news just wants the first soundbite that really grabs people's attention.

So they seek.

It's kind of like Star Trek in a way. They seek out new life, and new civilizations - life and civilizations that you didn't realize lived just a few miles away until you see it on TV. Or maybe you know it does - and you either tend to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist, and/or laugh at it.

Well, I've put together somwhat of a guide for people to use for when they are being interviewed for TV news or think there may be a chance that will happen to them at some point. This document is highly targeted too, specifically at an alarmingly high percentage of South Carolinians, but extending from parts of western Pennsylvania on down the eastern seaboard, around the gulf and down into Texas. So here goes:

Dear Interviewee:

Congratulations on being selected as an interview participant for a story on which we are reporting today. You may be scared or nervous at this point, but rest assured many and most people are in this situation. So we have put together a short guide that we hope will help you through this.

Please keep the following things in mind:

• Don't be nervous. Try not to be yourself. Just remember, probably at least half a million people are going to see this. Don't feel embarrassed - just yet. That hopefully will come after you watch this on the 6 o'clock show tonight.
  
• Unless it actually is, this is not an audition for America's Got Talent. So please don't play the Star Spangled Banner with your armpit or showcase your bottle-blowing abilities just for the sake of showing the reporter than you can do it.
  
• Until you have had an actual freight train come through your living room, you have no basis for comparison as to what that actually sounds or feels like. So don't use that as a basis for comparison until you actually have that happen to you. This rule also applies to describing an experience in terms of a tornado, whether it felt or sounded like one came through the room also - whether before or after the train, or on its own.
• Not everyone knows where Joe Don or Ray Ray's houses are so please don't use them as reference points for establishing directionality or location
• Not every adjective needs to be modified. And please don't speak in metaphor. Ever. It will make you sound like a redneck, although you may already be one. Examples relating directly to this include:
  • "Worser" - This is not a word. Generally speaking things can't get much more worse than they already are.
    
  • "Stupider" - Something or someone can not be any more "stupid" than they already are. There are no degrees of stupid. Stupid just is as stupid does. Dumb, however, is an entirely different case. You, people, things, what have you, can be varying degrees of dumb.
  • "Deader (than a doornail, than roadkill, than.. well, you get the drift)" - When something is dead, it's just dead. Case closed.
    
  • Generally speaking, people will know something was loud when you say it was loud. You don't say it was "louder than en elephant tearing through a buncha trees." Yes there are varying degrees of volume and those are generally covered by "slightly," "moderately," "very," and "extremely." It stands to reason that this rule can also be applied to describing the degree of something's or someone's smell
    
  • When something is gross, you don't say it's "nastier than a diaper fulla poop" - just say that it's gross.
  • "Smarter than the average bear" - Do not say this. The only way this is ever pulled off is if you are Dave Coulier or are a cartoon bear named Yogi.
• The only type of grammatically acceptable usage of the word "dang" is as an exclamation of surprise, i.e. "Dang. I actually just said that."
• I wouldn't recommend referring to past illegal activities or infractions that you and/or somebody you know have committed or participated in and not yet been charged and/or prosecuted for if I were you , even in a comparative sense to the main subject at hand. There are statutes of limitations on many crimes that don't run out after a week.
• Only certain people can pull off wearing a smiley-face t-shirt. You're probably not one of them.
• Not everyone knows what burnt woodchuck smells or tastes like, so don't use it as a comparative reference.
  
• Keep any friends or relatives out of the immediate vicinity from where you are being interviewed who are prone to shout things out like "Hey, watch this!" or "Check this out!"
• Ice is what you get out of the freezer. Ass is what is at the top of your legs. The two are not the same and are not pronounced the same. Please do not say that you are getting some ass cream or people are going to wonder if you have a hemorrhoid issue. And unless someone drove the car over your ass, your car did not just slide on ass. It slid on ice.
• Our television transmissions are sent into outer space. Please don't let the human race down. What you say on TV could convince a highly advanced race of extraterrestrial life that has many technologies that would be usable for eliminating famine, disease, hunger, and war on Earth that it would be unwise for them to make contact with us. Why help out such a backwards race of beings? That shirt you were wearing on TV that says "I love my dog" could make or break that deal for us. They and we don't want to know that you love your dog - especially if you love your dog in unnatural ways.
  
• The reporter generally does not care to be covering this story. They want to go out and cover real news. But while they have to do this assignment, they're looking for someone entertaining, who looks or acts or says things that are totally off-the-wall. Don't give in to the stereotype and act the way they want you to act which you are naturally inclined to anyway. People do judge. It's human nature. It's something we don't want to admit we do, but we do. So try to act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

And please do the following things:

• If you're being interviewed at home, people are going to see your living room or yard (and I do understand sometimes that the two are one in the same) - so take a few minutes to tidy up beforehand. We don't need to see your arsenal of spray cheese or collection of Elvis lawn ornaments.
• Brush your teeth (at least the ones you have left)
• Comb/brush your hair (and please remember the take the rollers out first)
• Guys, please put on a shirt. This also applies to some women. Scary.
• Please put out the cigarette and/or get rid of the chewing tobacco in your mouth.
• Pull up your pants. Nobody wants to see it. This applies to men and women.
  
• Take a minute to break out your handy, dandy Roget's pocket thesaurus to find some new adjectives you've never thought of using. We pretty much went over this one in Bullet #5 in the previous list.
  
• Please don' t talk to someone with food in your mouth. We don't want to see it. Especially partially-devoured pork rinds. Throw out the bubble gum too. We really don't need to see your cow imitation
• Keep your rugrats in check, but don't discipline them on camera. Make sure they know there will be consequences if they act up on camera or in the background, either way. And please put a shirt on them, comb their hair, and take away their toy guns.
  
• Don't be judgmental on camera. Keep your opinions to yourself about other people. You don't want to be considered rude, discriminatory or intolerant whether you are or not.
• Do not refer to the photog and/or reporter as "dude" or "hey man"
  
• And, again, act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

Don't worry. The interview will be over before you know it. We thank you for your participation and look forward to making you look like a fool on TV.

Sincerely,

Your local news team