Halloween - A Paranoid Safety Monger's Worst Nightmare

On Halloween night, our neighborhood suddenly became a treasure chest in the middle of everything.

The night would start off with our local fire department sounding their siren, probably around 6 or so. That was the signal we waited all year for. My sister and I would start out, mom in tow, with several other friends and their mothers, and hit the neighborhood. And for an elementary schooler, our neighborhood was HUGE! At the end of the night, it always felt like we had walked 100 miles. But the reward for the three or so hours of trick or treating was always worth it --- two or three plastic pumpkins full of loot. It was chocolate gold. And, man, was it an awesome feeling. Then around 9, the fire department would sound their siren again and that was the signal to go home.

Mind you, all this was done on the night that trick or treating is meant to be done --- Halloween night.

I just measured our old trick or treat route on Google maps. It looks like it was about 3.5 or so miles round-trip. If you figure 10 houses per 1,000 feet, that ends up being 277 houses. Figure half of those weren't handing out candy, so that still 138 houses. And 2-3 mini candy bars per house (or Reese's cups, the preferable treat of choice), that's between 275 and 400 pieces of candy. All this while wearing a plastic Darth Vader mask, strapped to my head with a rubber band, with a little slit in the mask to breathe through -- and a cool black plastic sheet painted to look like Darth's body adorning mine. Basically a cool trash bag. But it was cool, that's the thing.

Okay, fast forward 22 years.... The paranoid, safety mongers have taken Halloween and totally diluted it down to a parking lot bash.

WTF????

There are several things that I find totally screwed up/bizarre/stupid/and or wack about the state of Halloween these days.

1. The costumes --- Our nephews, 6 and 7 respectively, are wearing store bought, fabric, looks-like-mom-sewed-it-together-in-an-attempt-to-keep-her-kids-in-childhood-naivete-all-their-life skunk and kangaroo costumers....... WTF???? Costumes are supposed to be cool. You're not supposed to look like a farm animal. What happened to the plastic, slit-to-breathe-through masks? Okay, so someone said they were unsafe. Boo, hoo. It's unsafe leave the house in the morning, but people still do it.

2. Caravanning to neighborhoods --- We used to walk. (See above) People wonder why their kids are getting fat. It's not because of the candy -- it's dad and mom's job to eat most of it anyway. It's because they cart their kids around in the minivan with a horde of other kids to strategically targeted neighborhoods or houses, and they drive them from house to house. That takes the entire purpose out of going on foot, house to house.

3. Two or three nights before Halloween ---- Halloween is meant to be celebrated and conducted on Halloween. Don't vary it from community to community. That just confuses the parents and the kids. And the homeowners (you're not sure exactly which night everyone will be arriving) Do it on Halloween only. So what if it's a schoool night. They're kids. They're supposed to have FUN trick or treating -- and sometimes fun means staying up past bedtime on a school night.

4. Pillowcases --- One of the most greedy trends I have seen in recent years are kids carrying around pillowcases for their candy to be put in. Go get a little plastic pumpkin like your parents had before you. Get two or three of them. That way when they fill up quickly, you'll feel alot happier and prouder of your night's trick or treating efforts. It takes a lot longer to fill up a pillowcase -- and as long as it's not full, the kid using it is going to feel shortchanged.

5. Rudeness --- This relates to point four, but has several expansion subpoints to it. You don't just go up to the door and hold out your pumpkin/pillowcase, whatever the case may be, without saying trick or treat. It's rude. And the parents who allow their children to do that need to be smacked. Say 'Trick or Treat' and then after you get your treat, you say 'Thank you.' Those phrases are not difficult to say at all. I make it a point to let the kids know that they're being rude when they don't say thank you by saying, 'You're welcome....' if they don't. Hopefully that will set some little lightbulb off it their hand that they're being a greedy, ungrateful little brat. I just spent $30 on Halloween candy and they had better say thank you.

4. Trunk or treat --- This is new to me. The first time I heard about it was this year. Our church is holding one. When I heard of the idea, I was like, 'WTF???" It's just bizarre. You all gather in a parking lot. You fill your trunk up with candy. And the kids go from car to car, trick or treating.

Okay, like I said earlier, I get people are alot more safety conscious nowadays. The have a right to be. There are some scary, freaky people out there. But come on, let you kids have fun in the traditional way that Halloween was meant to be conducted. Just use common sense. Watch out for your kids. Go out with them. Don't go in a van. Use the old tried and true, one foot in front of the other, walking method. It will help teach your kids the value of hard work. And they'll have such a fun time going house-to-house, rather than subdivision to subdivision with mom - or dad - or both.

And don't let the paranoid, safety mongers take away the true spirit of Halloween!!