An Open Letter To All Interested In Being On The News

I saw a story on one of our local news programs this morning in which a woman was being interviewed who, well, didn't graduate from Harvard University. She didn't exactly look like Cindy Crawford either. And she didn't exactly live in a mansion.

Not that there is anything wrong with not having graduated from Harvard, not looking like Cindy and not living in a mansion. On the contrary. People from all walks of life have many admirable qualities about them.

But some qualities that people exhibit can be quite humorous and, sometimes, even more so, quite embarrassing - especially when you put a TV camera on them.

You know what I'm talking about. Severe weather hits. A major local catasrophe happens. Someone dies. Someone is rescued. Someone wins the lottery. And the TV news just wants the first soundbite that really grabs people's attention.

So they seek.

It's kind of like Star Trek in a way. They seek out new life, and new civilizations - life and civilizations that you didn't realize lived just a few miles away until you see it on TV. Or maybe you know it does - and you either tend to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist, and/or laugh at it.

Well, I've put together somwhat of a guide for people to use for when they are being interviewed for TV news or think there may be a chance that will happen to them at some point. This document is highly targeted too, specifically at an alarmingly high percentage of South Carolinians, but extending from parts of western Pennsylvania on down the eastern seaboard, around the gulf and down into Texas. So here goes:

Dear Interviewee:

Congratulations on being selected as an interview participant for a story on which we are reporting today. You may be scared or nervous at this point, but rest assured many and most people are in this situation. So we have put together a short guide that we hope will help you through this.

Please keep the following things in mind:

• Don't be nervous. Try not to be yourself. Just remember, probably at least half a million people are going to see this. Don't feel embarrassed - just yet. That hopefully will come after you watch this on the 6 o'clock show tonight.
  
• Unless it actually is, this is not an audition for America's Got Talent. So please don't play the Star Spangled Banner with your armpit or showcase your bottle-blowing abilities just for the sake of showing the reporter than you can do it.
  
• Until you have had an actual freight train come through your living room, you have no basis for comparison as to what that actually sounds or feels like. So don't use that as a basis for comparison until you actually have that happen to you. This rule also applies to describing an experience in terms of a tornado, whether it felt or sounded like one came through the room also - whether before or after the train, or on its own.
• Not everyone knows where Joe Don or Ray Ray's houses are so please don't use them as reference points for establishing directionality or location
• Not every adjective needs to be modified. And please don't speak in metaphor. Ever. It will make you sound like a redneck, although you may already be one. Examples relating directly to this include:
  • "Worser" - This is not a word. Generally speaking things can't get much more worse than they already are.
    
  • "Stupider" - Something or someone can not be any more "stupid" than they already are. There are no degrees of stupid. Stupid just is as stupid does. Dumb, however, is an entirely different case. You, people, things, what have you, can be varying degrees of dumb.
  • "Deader (than a doornail, than roadkill, than.. well, you get the drift)" - When something is dead, it's just dead. Case closed.
    
  • Generally speaking, people will know something was loud when you say it was loud. You don't say it was "louder than en elephant tearing through a buncha trees." Yes there are varying degrees of volume and those are generally covered by "slightly," "moderately," "very," and "extremely." It stands to reason that this rule can also be applied to describing the degree of something's or someone's smell
    
  • When something is gross, you don't say it's "nastier than a diaper fulla poop" - just say that it's gross.
  • "Smarter than the average bear" - Do not say this. The only way this is ever pulled off is if you are Dave Coulier or are a cartoon bear named Yogi.
• The only type of grammatically acceptable usage of the word "dang" is as an exclamation of surprise, i.e. "Dang. I actually just said that."
• I wouldn't recommend referring to past illegal activities or infractions that you and/or somebody you know have committed or participated in and not yet been charged and/or prosecuted for if I were you , even in a comparative sense to the main subject at hand. There are statutes of limitations on many crimes that don't run out after a week.
• Only certain people can pull off wearing a smiley-face t-shirt. You're probably not one of them.
• Not everyone knows what burnt woodchuck smells or tastes like, so don't use it as a comparative reference.
  
• Keep any friends or relatives out of the immediate vicinity from where you are being interviewed who are prone to shout things out like "Hey, watch this!" or "Check this out!"
• Ice is what you get out of the freezer. Ass is what is at the top of your legs. The two are not the same and are not pronounced the same. Please do not say that you are getting some ass cream or people are going to wonder if you have a hemorrhoid issue. And unless someone drove the car over your ass, your car did not just slide on ass. It slid on ice.
• Our television transmissions are sent into outer space. Please don't let the human race down. What you say on TV could convince a highly advanced race of extraterrestrial life that has many technologies that would be usable for eliminating famine, disease, hunger, and war on Earth that it would be unwise for them to make contact with us. Why help out such a backwards race of beings? That shirt you were wearing on TV that says "I love my dog" could make or break that deal for us. They and we don't want to know that you love your dog - especially if you love your dog in unnatural ways.
  
• The reporter generally does not care to be covering this story. They want to go out and cover real news. But while they have to do this assignment, they're looking for someone entertaining, who looks or acts or says things that are totally off-the-wall. Don't give in to the stereotype and act the way they want you to act which you are naturally inclined to anyway. People do judge. It's human nature. It's something we don't want to admit we do, but we do. So try to act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

And please do the following things:

• If you're being interviewed at home, people are going to see your living room or yard (and I do understand sometimes that the two are one in the same) - so take a few minutes to tidy up beforehand. We don't need to see your arsenal of spray cheese or collection of Elvis lawn ornaments.
• Brush your teeth (at least the ones you have left)
• Comb/brush your hair (and please remember the take the rollers out first)
• Guys, please put on a shirt. This also applies to some women. Scary.
• Please put out the cigarette and/or get rid of the chewing tobacco in your mouth.
• Pull up your pants. Nobody wants to see it. This applies to men and women.
  
• Take a minute to break out your handy, dandy Roget's pocket thesaurus to find some new adjectives you've never thought of using. We pretty much went over this one in Bullet #5 in the previous list.
  
• Please don' t talk to someone with food in your mouth. We don't want to see it. Especially partially-devoured pork rinds. Throw out the bubble gum too. We really don't need to see your cow imitation
• Keep your rugrats in check, but don't discipline them on camera. Make sure they know there will be consequences if they act up on camera or in the background, either way. And please put a shirt on them, comb their hair, and take away their toy guns.
  
• Don't be judgmental on camera. Keep your opinions to yourself about other people. You don't want to be considered rude, discriminatory or intolerant whether you are or not.
• Do not refer to the photog and/or reporter as "dude" or "hey man"
  
• And, again, act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

Don't worry. The interview will be over before you know it. We thank you for your participation and look forward to making you look like a fool on TV.

Sincerely,

Your local news team

The Visitors

I just had to post this because it is going to be freaking cool.

I loved the original "V" movies and mini-series. I just wish they would finish the story where it left off.

But this should be good, either way. I just hope they don't screw it up like was done with the Battlestar Galactica "re-imagining"

Two Years, 111 Entries, And Probably At Least 111 Hours

When I started this blog two years ago I wasn't sure what I was going to do with it. I had some friends that were blogging and I had sort of been toying with the idea. A few of those guys suggested that I give it a whirl.

At first thought, Nah. I don't have anything really worth saying -- or putting out there - for people to read.

But my buddy Kamran and I had an interesting discussion one day about blogging. I think he was probably the one who convinced me to.

It's different from my former life as a reporter. Then the writing served a purpose. This at first I thought was something that I'd try and give up shortly afterward. Well, it's two years today (actually yesterday, by the time I finish and post this) that I started Methodical Mayhem and this is post number 111.

That's an average of one and some change worth of a blog post each week. From one aspect I consider that good that I've been able to take enough time to write that much. From another aspect, I think I could have done more.

I wasn't really sure at first what I wanted to talk about or to include in a blog. I've certainly discarded many ideas for blog posts over that time -- some of which probably would have done me no good and probably would have been to my detriment in one way or another because there are some things that are better left unsaid.

What would I feel comfortable telling people? There are things that I swore I wouldn't talk about on here that I have.

Like politics.

I didn't really want to open that can of worms. But I did. Do I regret doing that? No, not really. If it helps get my point across and my side of the aisle an additional avenue through which to be heard, then fine.

I've blogged about a lot of things on here .... American Idol, holidays, family, sometimes work, entertainment, all kinds of odds and ends.

But I still haven't really taken MM in any one direction either Not sure that I will. I like going from topic to topic.

And I've gotten some interesting comments. Alot more so via email or just things people will say to me in conversation. I guess there aren't really any people out there that have stumbled on my blog that I've either really excited enough to or pissed off enough to elicit some sort of written response from.

It's kinda weird when people find out you blog. I generally get one of two reactions "Really? Why do you do that? Why would you do that?" or "Give me the address ... I'd like to read it."

I kind of prefer the second reaction. People want to sound supportive. But people are curious too. I'm the same way. I find out that people blog and the first thing I do is ask for the address.

I find out someone I know well is blogging and I'll link to them from MM. That's just kinda how I roll.

But getting back to the question of "why"..... well, it's an outlet. I like to vent. I like to be saracastic. I like to write down observations. I like to narrate. I like to be creative. So it's sort of an all-encompassing outlet...

... for no one particular topic. For no one particular mood. I've blogged when I've been wanted to relay a funny story. I've blogged when I've been irritated with someone or something.

So there is really no method to the madness... or the mayhem. It's just me. Take from it what you will.

Oh, and for those of you reading this after it has been pulled by my "Notes" app on Facebook, come over to the real site here at methodicalmayhem.com and poke around. There's a good bit more in the archives here than My Notes lists. You might be entertained - or you might be frightened.

The choice is yours.

And here's to at least another two years of this.

Thoughts on 35

People always say that turning 30 is a big deal, but 30 didn't really phase me. Let's see... I turned 30 in 2004. W was running for reelection. I was too busy hoping he would be reelected than to even remember now what I did for my 30th birthday.

It was one of those days that was just another day.

My 20s are a blur. Despite the fact I can't remember what I did on my 25th birthday, it was a milestone because I got my auto insurance break. I do remember that on my 21st birthday, my buddy Blake and I went to Applebee's where they burned my steak.

16 and 18 are milestones for anyone, but I can't remember what I did on either birthday - other than became old enough to get my license and then old enough to vote.

What's happening to my memory?

I don't know in another 35 years if I will remember what I did today on my 35th birthday. If Blogspot is still around and this blog is, then I guess I can go back through the archives. That's an interesting picture -- me blogging at age 70. That's if my senility holds.

If I remember this birthday for anything it will be for just feeling old.

My wife and I helped administer the SAT this morning. At one point, I realized that most of the kids there were born in 1992 or 1993. I graduated high school in 1992 and now they're about to do the same this time next year.

I feel old.

The little kindergarten girl whose picture I took with David Beasley in James M. Brown Elementary School's library on the first day of school on my first favorite day of being a newspaper reporter in 1997 could have been one of those students in my classroom today - and is probably excited about next year being her last year of school.

I feel old.

I dare say all the kids in my classroom this morning were born after our first foray into Iraq - after we turned tail and ran home, leaving the job unfinished for another 12 years.

But the world changes. Styles change, cultures change, attitudes change, leadership changes, music changes, technology changes, idols change and seasons change. But the one thing we can always count on is getting older.

As I listened to and took pictures of one of our professors at the college I work at teaching one of his religion courses recently, he asked "Who here can tell me about David Koresh and the Branch Dividians?" The room was silent. I remember the whole Waco thing going down on TV - sitting in the dorm room and watching the news clips of the fire and the entrance into the compound.

I feel old.

There are a few grays here and there. It's a little harder to get up off the ground now. My knees feel it when I get up from standing on them to shoot photos. I don't feel nearly as conscious about wearing my glasses.

I still drive fast though - and I'm as impatient as ever. I don't think even with age either of those qualities will change.

My metabolism has changed. I used to be able to put down a whole pizza plus more. Now I generally stop at about 5 slices.

I get ornery easier. I can't stay awake as late as I used to on a regular basis - I find myself falling asleep to the TV more and more (thanks Dad for that gene). I will actually listen to NPR now. And I don't mind Barry Manilow as much as I did when I was little.

What really bugs me (because it fosters that feeling of being old more than anything) is that they now consider 80s msuic - the music I grew up with - as oldies. Turn to an oldies station now and you've got a mix of Bobby Darin, The Supremes, CCR, and Tears for Fears or Rick Springfield. What is up with that?

I'm now my favorite Jimmy Buffet song - "A Pirate Looks At (or will be in five years) 40". I guess that's not a bad thing. Age brings wisdom. One of the few benefits. I do try to impart some here and there when I have the chance. Not that many people probably care what I have to say. If I wore jeans and a black t-shirt all the time and spoke with a British accent, I could be Simon Cowell. Not many people really care what he thinks. Although he's right a lot more than the other judges.

Nobody likes to think of their own mortality. But hopefully I have at least another 35 years of getting older ahead of me.

OK, now I feel tired from writing all of this -- where's the Geritol?

Is, Was, Thinks, Feels, Wonders, And Possibly Even Says

I realized today that I've let certain things go a little too far....

By that I mean, especially, Facebook. Somewhat, blogging. But mostly Facebook.

There was a time when my friends and I would spend hours on the *cough* Internet... or really a dial-up computer to Clemson-area bulletin boards. The one I distinctly remember was called the Mechanics Garage. I always envisioned these being run out of dark basements, something like the Warlock in the latest Die Hard movie had. Some nerdy dude, with a sinister laugh, doling out Castle Wolfenstein knock-offs, the newest freeware version of Duke Nukem or Barney the Dinosaur plug-ins for Doom. It would take four or five hours to download a 1 Meg file. Such was the life of a computer game geek in the early 1990s.

Then there was Gopher and FTP. Brand-spanking new ways to download even more crappy games and waste more time.

Phase 3 was discovering interactive bulletin boards. I heard about this one called ISCA and decided to check it out. I ended up spending the better part of six years on it before it folded in the early 2000s. At one point, you could get on there and talk to any one of more than 1,000 people. The last time I logged in, there may have been 25 people online.

Along came the World Wide Web. This was cool. When we could get it to work. On the dialup accees to the Engineering VAX, we could run this program called Lynx and read all kinds of cool stuff from around the world. I cited a Department of Defense paper on Hezbollah that I found online in a paper for my Political Terrorism class once and my instructor asked me, "What's this? WWW? How did you access this?"

Then the levee broke. Graphical web browsing. You would hear that someone had gone in and put something called Mosaic on the the third computer over on the fifth desk in the second floor computer lab; or on the fifth computer from the door in the library lab. Massively cool stuff. Trying to get the same stuff on the computer in the apartment was another thing. Dial in to the VAX, start Winsock, initiate your TCP-IP stack, start up a SLIRP connection - I may be missing a step.... and I'm taking a long time to get to the point of this post, so to wrap this paragraph up - I've discovered that my newest computer toy has given me a totally new outlet and new outlook.

A friend of mine from church wrote an interesting article on Facebook a few weeks ago that was published in one of the local weeklies. It was on how she has started to think in terms of status updates.

What's your status?

I am thinking that .... I am going to sleep.... I am frustrated about... I'm wondering when someone is going to...

Ok, yeah. I've started doing that pretty frequently lately. I will see, hear, or experience something that I will then react to with a "that would make for an interesting status update or an interesting blog."

Now I know people who are on Facebook that could care less about getting on it more than once every couple weeks. I know people who spend several combined hours on it throughout the day. Left to boredom, I could probably spend the better part of at least several continuous hours on it.

I have the potential to spend a lot of time on it since I keep up a few Facebook pages for our college -- post photos, update events on them,etc. But I'm usually content for a few minutes on it to skim first thing in the morning, on my lunch break and once I get home from work. Then probably at least a little time at night.

So, again, I'm constantly going over in my mind "What would be a status update that would be funny, or interesting -- what could I say to make people laugh? what could I say to get a reaction out of a particular person?"

I got a Blackberry a few weeks ago that has Internet access. I realize that could potentially be a bad thing. I'm already checking Facebook on it when I get bored waiting on a prescription or pumping gas, situations where there is no real risk of death involved.

Today I was driving down one of our busiest thoroughfares in G-vegas when I noticed a local bank had, programmed into their big LCD along the roadside, a screen that said "Say no to TARP". My first thought was "Awesome! Gotta mention something about that in my Facebook status."

So I reached for my phone -- and then I realized: No, this is bad. I'm reaching for my phone to update my Facebook status while I'm driving. Not good. On various fronts.

I immediately put the phone back. Although once I got to where I was going I broke the phone back out and keyed in a new status before I had the chance to forget to do it.

Not that anyone really cares about what I think about the bailout or about opposition to TARP from an actual bank.

So despite the fact that I may not always be in a position to update my Facebook status, it appears that it's become a new outlet for my creativity to unload at random times.

I probably need to get a new hobby to keep my mind off of letting people know that my mind is on Facebook rather than on going to bed. Maybe I can talk my wife into letting us get a dog. Good luck to me on that though.

Oh, I just forgot. I've got an Atari 2600 emulator in the living room. Maybe if I start spending more time on that, I'll forgot about getting on Facebook so much and letting the world know that I just got a new high score on River Raid. Who knows.