An Open Letter To All Interested In Being On The News

I saw a story on one of our local news programs this morning in which a woman was being interviewed who, well, didn't graduate from Harvard University. She didn't exactly look like Cindy Crawford either. And she didn't exactly live in a mansion.

Not that there is anything wrong with not having graduated from Harvard, not looking like Cindy and not living in a mansion. On the contrary. People from all walks of life have many admirable qualities about them.

But some qualities that people exhibit can be quite humorous and, sometimes, even more so, quite embarrassing - especially when you put a TV camera on them.

You know what I'm talking about. Severe weather hits. A major local catasrophe happens. Someone dies. Someone is rescued. Someone wins the lottery. And the TV news just wants the first soundbite that really grabs people's attention.

So they seek.

It's kind of like Star Trek in a way. They seek out new life, and new civilizations - life and civilizations that you didn't realize lived just a few miles away until you see it on TV. Or maybe you know it does - and you either tend to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist, and/or laugh at it.

Well, I've put together somwhat of a guide for people to use for when they are being interviewed for TV news or think there may be a chance that will happen to them at some point. This document is highly targeted too, specifically at an alarmingly high percentage of South Carolinians, but extending from parts of western Pennsylvania on down the eastern seaboard, around the gulf and down into Texas. So here goes:

Dear Interviewee:

Congratulations on being selected as an interview participant for a story on which we are reporting today. You may be scared or nervous at this point, but rest assured many and most people are in this situation. So we have put together a short guide that we hope will help you through this.

Please keep the following things in mind:

• Don't be nervous. Try not to be yourself. Just remember, probably at least half a million people are going to see this. Don't feel embarrassed - just yet. That hopefully will come after you watch this on the 6 o'clock show tonight.
  
• Unless it actually is, this is not an audition for America's Got Talent. So please don't play the Star Spangled Banner with your armpit or showcase your bottle-blowing abilities just for the sake of showing the reporter than you can do it.
  
• Until you have had an actual freight train come through your living room, you have no basis for comparison as to what that actually sounds or feels like. So don't use that as a basis for comparison until you actually have that happen to you. This rule also applies to describing an experience in terms of a tornado, whether it felt or sounded like one came through the room also - whether before or after the train, or on its own.
• Not everyone knows where Joe Don or Ray Ray's houses are so please don't use them as reference points for establishing directionality or location
• Not every adjective needs to be modified. And please don't speak in metaphor. Ever. It will make you sound like a redneck, although you may already be one. Examples relating directly to this include:
  • "Worser" - This is not a word. Generally speaking things can't get much more worse than they already are.
    
  • "Stupider" - Something or someone can not be any more "stupid" than they already are. There are no degrees of stupid. Stupid just is as stupid does. Dumb, however, is an entirely different case. You, people, things, what have you, can be varying degrees of dumb.
  • "Deader (than a doornail, than roadkill, than.. well, you get the drift)" - When something is dead, it's just dead. Case closed.
    
  • Generally speaking, people will know something was loud when you say it was loud. You don't say it was "louder than en elephant tearing through a buncha trees." Yes there are varying degrees of volume and those are generally covered by "slightly," "moderately," "very," and "extremely." It stands to reason that this rule can also be applied to describing the degree of something's or someone's smell
    
  • When something is gross, you don't say it's "nastier than a diaper fulla poop" - just say that it's gross.
  • "Smarter than the average bear" - Do not say this. The only way this is ever pulled off is if you are Dave Coulier or are a cartoon bear named Yogi.
• The only type of grammatically acceptable usage of the word "dang" is as an exclamation of surprise, i.e. "Dang. I actually just said that."
• I wouldn't recommend referring to past illegal activities or infractions that you and/or somebody you know have committed or participated in and not yet been charged and/or prosecuted for if I were you , even in a comparative sense to the main subject at hand. There are statutes of limitations on many crimes that don't run out after a week.
• Only certain people can pull off wearing a smiley-face t-shirt. You're probably not one of them.
• Not everyone knows what burnt woodchuck smells or tastes like, so don't use it as a comparative reference.
  
• Keep any friends or relatives out of the immediate vicinity from where you are being interviewed who are prone to shout things out like "Hey, watch this!" or "Check this out!"
• Ice is what you get out of the freezer. Ass is what is at the top of your legs. The two are not the same and are not pronounced the same. Please do not say that you are getting some ass cream or people are going to wonder if you have a hemorrhoid issue. And unless someone drove the car over your ass, your car did not just slide on ass. It slid on ice.
• Our television transmissions are sent into outer space. Please don't let the human race down. What you say on TV could convince a highly advanced race of extraterrestrial life that has many technologies that would be usable for eliminating famine, disease, hunger, and war on Earth that it would be unwise for them to make contact with us. Why help out such a backwards race of beings? That shirt you were wearing on TV that says "I love my dog" could make or break that deal for us. They and we don't want to know that you love your dog - especially if you love your dog in unnatural ways.
  
• The reporter generally does not care to be covering this story. They want to go out and cover real news. But while they have to do this assignment, they're looking for someone entertaining, who looks or acts or says things that are totally off-the-wall. Don't give in to the stereotype and act the way they want you to act which you are naturally inclined to anyway. People do judge. It's human nature. It's something we don't want to admit we do, but we do. So try to act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

And please do the following things:

• If you're being interviewed at home, people are going to see your living room or yard (and I do understand sometimes that the two are one in the same) - so take a few minutes to tidy up beforehand. We don't need to see your arsenal of spray cheese or collection of Elvis lawn ornaments.
• Brush your teeth (at least the ones you have left)
• Comb/brush your hair (and please remember the take the rollers out first)
• Guys, please put on a shirt. This also applies to some women. Scary.
• Please put out the cigarette and/or get rid of the chewing tobacco in your mouth.
• Pull up your pants. Nobody wants to see it. This applies to men and women.
  
• Take a minute to break out your handy, dandy Roget's pocket thesaurus to find some new adjectives you've never thought of using. We pretty much went over this one in Bullet #5 in the previous list.
  
• Please don' t talk to someone with food in your mouth. We don't want to see it. Especially partially-devoured pork rinds. Throw out the bubble gum too. We really don't need to see your cow imitation
• Keep your rugrats in check, but don't discipline them on camera. Make sure they know there will be consequences if they act up on camera or in the background, either way. And please put a shirt on them, comb their hair, and take away their toy guns.
  
• Don't be judgmental on camera. Keep your opinions to yourself about other people. You don't want to be considered rude, discriminatory or intolerant whether you are or not.
• Do not refer to the photog and/or reporter as "dude" or "hey man"
  
• And, again, act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

Don't worry. The interview will be over before you know it. We thank you for your participation and look forward to making you look like a fool on TV.

Sincerely,

Your local news team

The Land Where Manners Stand Still

So the wife and I are sitting in a CVS, waiting on a prescription a few evenings ago. Some guy is walking to the back of the store and I hear him talking. As he rounds the corner at the end of the aisle and starts coming towards us, I notice he's got a Bluetooth device in his ear.

You know, one of those little "Hey look at me, I think I look cool but I really look like a geek from Star Trek" devices.....

He's not keeping his conversation very private. He was talking to someone named Lee, who at first I thought was a woman.

At first, the conversation went something like ".... I think we need to talk more about this .... Lee, this is a tough decision for me... there are some issues that I don't think are getting resolved..."

Oh man, dude is breaking up with his girlfriend in a CVS over a Bluetooth. How lame.

Then we hear "Lee, I think you're a great father.... Your son has some serious issues .... He needs help ... I want to be there to support you, but I don't think I can anymore ... Your son needs to talk to someone."

While all of this is being said, he's making a purchase at the prescription counter and conversing with the cashier also. I was just baffled at the complete lack of respect he was showing for the person he was talking to over the phone AND for the cashier by having this conversation out in the open, at a pharmacy counter nonetheless.

I don't get people like that.

I don't get why people think other people need to hear their what should be private conversations.

Why do people think the world needs to hear them yak on their cell phone all the time?

I think the cell phone is helping lead us down a path from which there is looking to be less and less of a return -- to The Land Where Manners Stand Still.

If I have something that I don't want other people to hear, I won't talk on my cell phone in public. I try to avoid talking on my cell phone in public in the first place. I'm really not a big phone person anyway. There are a lot of times when I'm with a group of friends or in a situation where I think it is really inappropriate to be taking phone calls -- and I'll just press the ignore button on the phone and let it go to voice mail.

If it is someone important, I will call them back when it is a more convenient time.

I see a ton of people that are totally the opposite of this. I know several people who I think have Cellphone Attachment Disorder, where they can't live unless they're on their phone talking to someone. It doesn't matter where they are, when they are, or who they're with, they always have to be on the phone. That I truly don't understand and think is completely rude.

Then there are the people who think they, themselves, are just the end all be all. This gets back to the "Gimme" attitude.

"Gimme a hamburger and fries. Oh, and gimme a coke too" ---- or "gimme that pen. I need to write you a check"

Well, gimme ain't never got me nothin'....

Whatever happened to "May I please have.." or "Would you mind if I borrow your ...." ?

I went through my adventures in paying car taxes and getting a new license plate today. All in all, not a bad experience. Didn't take as long as I expected. As always, there were a fair share of totally ignorant people at the tax office and at the DMV who have no clue how the process of paying taxes or getting a vehicle registered go. I'm amazed that some of these people know how to get out of bed and put their clothes on in the morning.

But there was this one lady whose number was a few before mine and made it up to the counter several minutes ahead of me whose conversation I happened to hear vividly.

She goes up to the counter, baby in a diaper and t-shirt in tow (being carried notheless) -- and slaps both her paperwork down on the counter and the baby.

"Gimme one of the new license plates - I just paid my money to the county taxman," she says rudley as her baby leans over and starts playing with this and that on the counter which all belong to the DMV rep.

I thinking, "Lady, I would love to give you a one-way ticket back to Kindergarten so you can learn some manners."

Why do people think they can just go from day to day thinking that they're so entitled to this or that and get away with telling people to give them this or that, rather than politely asking for something?

I am big on manners in public. I admit there are times when I'm irritated or frustrated or just in a bad mood and I get a little short with people. I always feel bad about that afterwards. Unless they just had it coming to them for whatever reason they were being difficult in the first place....

But so many people are setting bad examples of how to act in public. So many people are raising rude children (If I ever find my future son or daughter on a bluetooth phone in public telling someone to give them something... well let's just say that's not going to happen in the first place)

And society in general isn't doing anything to address rudness in general. Mostly, anyway.

I was in the post office recently, waiting in line, and this woman goes up to the counter yakking away on her cell phone,. Before she's able to say anything to the worker behind the counter, said worker says, "Ma'm, we have a policy that we will not help customers who are on their cell phone. I guess you may have missed the sign right there (and she points to one) --- So if you would please step to the side and finish your phone conversation, we'll let you get back in line when you're done."

I came about half an inch from clapping. Instead I just grinned.

"Well that's just rude," the woman on the cell phone said as she walked away from the counter to continue her conversation.

Lady, do you want to be the pot or the kettle today?

What has happened? --- are the cell phone makers to blame? Is Ray Kroc to blame for allowing fast food service to serve as a catlyst for rudeness? We're going downhill in a way which it's getting more and more apparent that we're going to have to have a miracle to come back from.

Turning Up the Radio

I've got a habit, call it bad, call it good, call it what you will, that my wife can't stand.

I like to listen to loud music in the car -- not just loud, really loud. I have to make sure that after I get done driving her car alone that I turn the volume back down to zero, or she is not a happy camper after she gets in the car.

Other than with my wife, I've only ever gotten in trouble for my loud music was one time in high school at an after- football-game-gathering at the local baptist church when some friends and I were in my car listening to probably something like Guns -n- Roses, at full blast, and a police officer came over to me and told me to turn it down.

My other bad habit when I drive is speeding... which is something I try not to do when people are in the car with me. I've gotten into my share of trouble with that over the years. But that's not really relevant to this post.

Recently, after running across the video for Cinderella's "Shake Me", from their Night Songs album, on YouTube, I've gotten back into my 80s metal music. So much that I've burned myself three CDs worth of my favorite metal songs from the 80s and early 90s and have had them on constant rotation in the car for the last month or so, at full blast.

They range from the aforementioned Cinderella song, to RATT, Great White, Lita Ford, Ozzy, Winger (hey Kip's actually a pretty good singer and Reb plays some kick-ass guitar), Firehouse, Guns, the Crue, Quiet Riot, Firehouse, and Fiona, to name a few.

I don't know what it is about this genre of music for me, but everytime I go awhile between periods of listening to it, I fall in love with it even more.It's like a fine wine - it just gets better with age. The screaming guitar riffs, the high-pitched vocals.... it just takes me back.

Metal took a lot of hits and crap throughout the 90s and early 2000s. They took Headbanger's Ball away.... Van Halen couldn't keep a lead singer; Axl went nuts (although he made an awesome comeback on Sebastian's latest CD "Angel Down"); Jani Lane and Vince Neil both got fat; Brett Michaels became a judge on Nashville Star... WTF?

Thankfully, metal and 80s style hard rock are making a comeback in a big way. In the last year, White Lion, Dokken, Whitesnake, Sebastian Bach, Night Ranger, Loverboy, the Crue, Asia, Def Leppard, Journey, Foreigner, and a host of others, have released screaming hot new CDs.

A little off track again... getting back to the main story here....

So I had to make a late-night Wal-Mart run tonight about 10:30. I popped one of my new homemade discs in, cranked the radio, and, since it was nice outside, rolled the window down. I was jamming the whole way to Wally World.

As I was about to make the turn from Wade Hampton Boulevard to go into the parking lot of our local Nasty Mart, I turned the music down to about a quarter of the way up on the volume dial. I was still having a good time jamming to the music as I hunted down a parking spot. Pulled in, listened to the remaining 30 seconds of the song, shut the radio off, rolled up the windows, powered down the car, and got out.

Then this dude unlocking the door of the car next to me says, "Hey, was that Danger Danger?"

I just started laughing.

"Uh.... yeah," I just sort of said, dumbfounded. Danger Danger was one of those metal bands that hit kind of late (their first album was released in 1989) and had to try to stay above water while grunge and alternative took over the airwaves. They're one of the lesser known metal bands, but still absolutely awesome. They're supposed to be releasing a new album this year.

"I haven't heard 'Bang, Bang' in years. Thanks man. The little bit I heard was a trip," he replies, laughing.

We chatted for a few minutes about the genre, who are favorites are, how its making a comeback. It was a really fun, 10-minute conversation.

There's a metal concert series each summer called Rocklahoma. They just had the 2008 concert. It's a week-long event. There were a ton of rockin' metal bands that just played there. I'd love to go to the 2009 concert. Doubt that will happen though --- but in the meantime, I'll just keep my metal CDs in rotation and the volume turned up.

Good Riddance to 2007

2007 was just one of those years that I'm glad is over.

2007 sucked - big time.

I can't really thing of anything that will cause me to look back fondly at that shitty year, other than:

• We did have some friends that had children in 2007. Obviously, that is a true blessing and we're incredibly happy for them.
• My parents did move down from the frozen tundra of Indiana to now just be 1 1/2 hours up the road in Charlotte.
• My sister found out she was pregnant. They're expecting in February.
• I made some new friends at work.
• My wife and I celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary.
• Neither of our cars had to have any major work done on them. In past years, we've always managed to have something go seriously wrong with one of our cars.

Still, 2007 pretty much sucked. To top it off, it ended on a heartbreaking, totally shitty note with Clemson losing in overtime, nonetheless, to Auburn at the Peach Bowl. Damn.

I do find myself actually wanting to make some resolutions and stick to them this year. I hearby resolve to:

• Lose 25 pounds this year, start exercising, and stop eating so much junk.
• Spend less time watching TV and more time with my wife
• Make better financial descisions and not be so wasteful by buying crap that we don't need or big meals that we can't afford
• Actually use my vacation time to take my wife on a real vacation
• Start putting together a down payment on a house

So here's to 2008. It can't be any worse than 2007, but let's hope it's a lot better.

So What If I'm Picky

I went in to the Arby's down the street for lunch today. I placed my order -- and right before the cashier totaled it up (mind you, this was after she yelled to the cook that I had ordered a grilled chicken and bacon sandwich), I asked: "That doesn't have honey mustard on it, does it?"

Of course it did. I don't like mustard. So I told her I didn't want any on it, and instead wanted mayonaise. She yelled that back to the cook and gave me a look of disgust. I could see the cook give me a similiar look as he threw the buns away that he had already lathered with mustard.

My wife hates, but at the same time, doesn't understand the way I eat.

I don't like tomatoes. Period. I love ketchup. But just not tomatoes. I will pick them out of anything they're in -- even if they're diced. I will spend as much time as necessary to get all the tomatoes out of even spaghetti sauce or take them off of pizza. When I eat salsa, I make it a point not to get any of the chunky stuff on my chips - just the juice.

I DO NOT like any of the following: mustard, avocado, guacamole, olives, tomatoes, asparagus, artichoke, refried beans, spinach, red peppers, sour cream, cabbage, blue cheese, or cream cheese. I know there are some other things, but my brain is kind of fried right now and I can't name everything.

When I order things that I think will have any of the above in them, I will ask for them not be put on/in. If any of the above are on/in my food, I will pick it out or scrape it off before eating it. If I can't get it all off or out, I just won't eat it. It doesn't matter to me whether I'm at a restaurant or a friend's house or here at work. The one exception I will make is if I'm have a meal with people I don't know, at which point I'll reluctantly tolerate it.

What I have on my Pizza, mexican foods, and salads are probably the things that I am the most picky about. When my salad comes out with olives and tomatoes, I pick them all out and my wife shakes her head in bewilderment.

I went to Taco Bell the other day -- I asked for a steak quesadilla, beef burrito, and soft taco -- each only with meat and cheese. Again, I got one of those looks.

When I was working for my previous employer, we went to a rather posh restaurant in downtown G-Vegas one night called Soby's. After I looked at the menu, I decided that I am not getting anything I cannot pronounce so I ordered a steak --- and when I ordered it, I said something to the effect of "I don't want any garnishments or crazy seasonings on it, so can you just put a plain piece of steak on the grill and leave it a little red in the middle." To which one of my coworkers, a supervisor of sorts, says to me (again, something to the effect of) "This is not the type of place where it is suitable to do that. Please next time just order something and deal with it."

The thing that I think people have a hard time grasping is that I will not eat something I know I don't like or is seasoned with something that I don't like. It just ain't gonna happen. The same thing with clothes -- although I don't eat those.

The thing with clothes is that if I don't like it, I'm not gonna wear it. Period. This also drives my wife insane. When we go shopping for clothes, I do appreciate my wife's opinion very much because she's a much better judge of what goes with what. But, again, she'll pick out something that she likes and says 'I think this would look good on you' and 75% of the time I'm just like "Yuck, I am not wearing that." And about 75% of the time when I try to pick out clothes for my self, my wife is like "Yuck, I don't like that." So as far as clothes go for me, we end up agreeing roughly 25% of the time.

I'll admit I'm picky. Hands down, I'm picky. That's just me. So what.