Late Night At Bloom, Or, In Other Words "The Coupon Cougar"

It started off as your run of the mill grocery shopping trip for me, although that really depends on what your definition of “grocery shopping” is.

This was a late-night run to Bloom.

My wife sent me to get a few things, too much for the 10 items or less line… but at 11:30 pm, that didn’t really matter as by that time at night most stores have that lined closed anyway.

I had a handful of coupons with me that I was fumbling through as I was making my way through the store.

I know, you’re probably thinking: “A guy with coupons? His wife must have sent them with him.”

That she did.

I wouldn’t describe my wife as a “coupon-aholic” but she keeps a very watchful eye on the sales flyers. We get the Sunday newspaper specifically for the coupons. We generally have more coupons than will comfortably fit in her coupon case. And cutting them all and going through all the sales flyers each week is not an hour you want to spend in our house.

We do this because we’re very cost conscious of groceries, and, as any family, we would like to keep our expenses down.

So getting back to the story….

It was a short grocery list. I didn’t have my wife’s coupon book with me. Ordinarily she would try her best to get me to take it and if I knew I was getting a lot of stuff, I would. But I intended to make this a quick trip with minimal purchases.

I’m walking down one of the aisles as another shopper and I come upon each other.

She looks up and down the shelves, scanning. Her glance turns my way, and she smiles.

“You have coupons!,” she exclaims.

“Ummm… yeah, that’s what these things are alright. Ding ding ding. You win the genius of the night award,” I think.

In reality, I responded something like “…well a few anyway. Just enough to cover some of the items on the list my wife sent me to the store with.”

To which she responds, “Well, you mind if I take a look at them to see if I can give you anything better. And you can look at mine too to see if there’s anything you want?”

Admittedly, the first thought out of my mind was “What is this? Some sort of really bizarre ‘show me yours, I’ll show you mine’ game?”

Not to pass up an opportunity to save a buck, I agreed. She took a quick look through mine and found one she replaced with one of hers that gave me an added 15-cents off that item.

I was kind of in a hurry because for some reason I was feeling really awkward about the situation, so I flipped through her binder real quick, didn’t see anything that struck my fancy, and thanked her.

The woman had two 6-inch binders of coupons. And I thought my wife was a little overboard on couponing.

We said our goodbyes, she smiled again, and we pushed our respective buggies our separate ways.

It was creepy. For some reason, I felt like I was cheating on my coupons with another set of coupons.

I shook it off, saying to myself “that was really, really weird.”

It was one of those things that went back in forth in my mind as I drove home thinking “how exactly do I describe this to my wife when I get home without it sounding wrong in some way?”

So I described to her the weird experience – and we both laughed about it. We ended up calling the lady The Coupon Cougar.

She’s out there somewhere. Waiting to make some other guy feel really awkward, I’m sure. If you’re ever in the Bloom in Greer, SC at 11:30 at night, you just may run into her.

Mouths Open, Brains On Standby

Two posts ago I said I was going to work on one called "A Tale of Two Idiots."

At the time, I had in mind to talk about Mark Sanford's current real life soap opera - and Obama's crazy health care proposal and socialist tendencies. But there's been some interesting things transpire in the last week and a half or so that a title change to "A Tale of Three Idiots" doesn't really have as good of a literary ring.

In question are the following cast of characters: Mark Sanford, Joe Wilson, and Kayne West.

They're not exactly a group that you would imagine would play cards together late at night over a bottle of scotch and cigars. I can't quite picture them all hanging out at a ball game together either.

They're just not what you would call "birds of a feather."

One thing they do have in common though is that they have each found themselves in the spotlight lately for not being able to control their mouths.

First off, let's talk about Sanford.

This guy has been shooting himself in the foot since (re)setting foot in Argentina in June to meet up with his mistress. It started off with his bizarre press conference when he revealed his affair. From there it went to disclosing more sordid details about his affair. He goes on to talk about his "soul mate." Then as people start to ask for his resignation, he gets defensive.

He must think that we're going to let this slide.

Well guess what Mark? It's time to resign. Your colleagues have tried to explain to you why this is going to severely impact your ability to govern over the final 15 months of your term. Just do it. Just resign. Stop back talking everyone. Stop running your mouth. Stop trying to justify your own stubbornness and why it's best to keep you around. Just let us move forward with Andre.

Should Sanford had disclosed all that he has? We expect our leaders to be honest and forthcoming with us. Which he ultimately was -- to an extreme, mind you. But to continue to serve as a distraction when you should have realized that you're continuing to serve as a distraction is irresponsible.

We look for leaders. Leadership calls for responsibility and honesty. Sanford's sort of a mixed bag on that.

Next up, Joe Wilson.

Joe is one of those guys who speaks his mind. Ordinarily, that hasn't been in such a controversial way as what happened last week when he yelled "You lie!" in the middle of Obama's address to the full Congress. He's a die-hard Conservative who I admire very much. I'm a big Joe Wilson fan.

Bad place to say that though, Joe.

What I think we all can learn from Joe's case, in particular, is that people should be able to and should question their leaders. They should be able to and should question policies and the logic behind them, whether it is a policy that is being proposed or already in effect. But you should realize there is a time and place for doing and sometimes you need to step back and think about that....And you shouldn't just blindly vote, support, or go with what is being handed to you without thinking it through.

Yes, calling the president a liar in such a locale as the the halls of Congress, in a forum such as a public address by the president to the fully assembled bodies of Congress is in bad form. No matter your personal opinion of the president (or any leader you have issues with), you should respect the fact that they are the president.

I respect the fact that Obama is the president. I respect the man. I may not like him, but like and respect are two different things and more people need to learn to differentiate between the two. With the President, in particular, you need to at show respect for the man and the position in which they sit.

Instead this whole Joe Wilson thing is turning into a political circus. Just like what Sanford has done by opening his mouth continually.

But, Joe, to throw yourself in he spotlight ... the negative spotlight, with no warning... have you been reading from Sanford's 101 Points For Personal Destruction?

Were Wilson's actions disrespectful? Yes. Was he wrong for voicing his opinion? Maybe, maybe not. But he did apologize to the President. And that should be case closed on it.

Leave it alone. The man doesn't need to be punished any more. He doesn't need to be censured. All that is is a political ploy by the Democrats to shame a man. I'm sure he feels ashamed enough as it is.

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with people having an opinion. Everyone has them. Everyone is entitled to them.

But people really need to think before suddenly voicing their opinion in a manner or forum which is inappropriate and will hurt themselves and the cause which they represent.

Which leads us to offender No. 3 - Kanye West.

What Kanye did by taking the stage Sunday night during the Video Music Awards, interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech, and belittling her work in front of the entire world was just complete and utterly disrespectful, shameful, and wrong.

Miss Swift is a young lady who was worked hard to accomplish what she has at a young age. This was her very first VMA -- awarded by an organization that has been so focused on hip hop, trash, and sleeze in recent years, who instead, on an amazingly positive note, decide to award it to a wholesome country artist. That alone says a lot.

This was her moment. And he took it away from her. That shows a complete lack of manners and respect for other artists.

Some in the internet discussion boards since the incident have called it racist. Whether it was racially motivated or not, Kanye should be ashamed of himself.

So what's up with all the bad behavior? Well, I can see how each could potentially think that they have nobody to be accountable to but themselves. And without the accountability I guess they think it's better to ask forgiveness than permission to act out of the ordinary.

In each case, though, there is a line of accountability. Wilson and Sanford to their supporters, the people who put them in office, and the entire constituency of South Carolina; West to the fans that look up to him, for whatever bizarre reason they do, and see him a a role model.

People in these types of positions are supposed to be role models. So what do we do with our role models? Do we discipline them?

We definitely should hold them accountable.

More and more political officers and leaders in South Carolina are calling for Sanford's resignation and trying to hold him accountable. Will he resign? Who's to know...

Should the House censure Joe Wilson? That is an obviously political move by the Democrats to put their finger down on the other side of aisle more and more. Is that really censureship or censorship? He's already apologized to the president. Now they want him to issue a public apology on the floor of the house.....Will he? Who's the know...

Should MTV let Kanye get away with his actions? Personally, I think they could take better steps to control the accessibility of the stage during events like that. Again, he's entitled to his opinion. But to opine in the manner he did, he probably would have been better off to sit in his seat and yell to the presenters "You lie!" Would he? Who's to know...

I admit my ideal outcome in each of these cases isn't consistent. But while the circumstances and back story in all three cases are different, the actions are very similar in nature.

All of these are just examples of why people sometimes just need to keep their mouths shut. Is it worth the trouble to cause trouble though? Really?

I guess it's just a case of people opening their mouths with their brains on standby.

An Open Letter To All Interested In Being On The News

I saw a story on one of our local news programs this morning in which a woman was being interviewed who, well, didn't graduate from Harvard University. She didn't exactly look like Cindy Crawford either. And she didn't exactly live in a mansion.

Not that there is anything wrong with not having graduated from Harvard, not looking like Cindy and not living in a mansion. On the contrary. People from all walks of life have many admirable qualities about them.

But some qualities that people exhibit can be quite humorous and, sometimes, even more so, quite embarrassing - especially when you put a TV camera on them.

You know what I'm talking about. Severe weather hits. A major local catasrophe happens. Someone dies. Someone is rescued. Someone wins the lottery. And the TV news just wants the first soundbite that really grabs people's attention.

So they seek.

It's kind of like Star Trek in a way. They seek out new life, and new civilizations - life and civilizations that you didn't realize lived just a few miles away until you see it on TV. Or maybe you know it does - and you either tend to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist, and/or laugh at it.

Well, I've put together somwhat of a guide for people to use for when they are being interviewed for TV news or think there may be a chance that will happen to them at some point. This document is highly targeted too, specifically at an alarmingly high percentage of South Carolinians, but extending from parts of western Pennsylvania on down the eastern seaboard, around the gulf and down into Texas. So here goes:

Dear Interviewee:

Congratulations on being selected as an interview participant for a story on which we are reporting today. You may be scared or nervous at this point, but rest assured many and most people are in this situation. So we have put together a short guide that we hope will help you through this.

Please keep the following things in mind:

• Don't be nervous. Try not to be yourself. Just remember, probably at least half a million people are going to see this. Don't feel embarrassed - just yet. That hopefully will come after you watch this on the 6 o'clock show tonight.
  
• Unless it actually is, this is not an audition for America's Got Talent. So please don't play the Star Spangled Banner with your armpit or showcase your bottle-blowing abilities just for the sake of showing the reporter than you can do it.
  
• Until you have had an actual freight train come through your living room, you have no basis for comparison as to what that actually sounds or feels like. So don't use that as a basis for comparison until you actually have that happen to you. This rule also applies to describing an experience in terms of a tornado, whether it felt or sounded like one came through the room also - whether before or after the train, or on its own.
• Not everyone knows where Joe Don or Ray Ray's houses are so please don't use them as reference points for establishing directionality or location
• Not every adjective needs to be modified. And please don't speak in metaphor. Ever. It will make you sound like a redneck, although you may already be one. Examples relating directly to this include:
  • "Worser" - This is not a word. Generally speaking things can't get much more worse than they already are.
    
  • "Stupider" - Something or someone can not be any more "stupid" than they already are. There are no degrees of stupid. Stupid just is as stupid does. Dumb, however, is an entirely different case. You, people, things, what have you, can be varying degrees of dumb.
  • "Deader (than a doornail, than roadkill, than.. well, you get the drift)" - When something is dead, it's just dead. Case closed.
    
  • Generally speaking, people will know something was loud when you say it was loud. You don't say it was "louder than en elephant tearing through a buncha trees." Yes there are varying degrees of volume and those are generally covered by "slightly," "moderately," "very," and "extremely." It stands to reason that this rule can also be applied to describing the degree of something's or someone's smell
    
  • When something is gross, you don't say it's "nastier than a diaper fulla poop" - just say that it's gross.
  • "Smarter than the average bear" - Do not say this. The only way this is ever pulled off is if you are Dave Coulier or are a cartoon bear named Yogi.
• The only type of grammatically acceptable usage of the word "dang" is as an exclamation of surprise, i.e. "Dang. I actually just said that."
• I wouldn't recommend referring to past illegal activities or infractions that you and/or somebody you know have committed or participated in and not yet been charged and/or prosecuted for if I were you , even in a comparative sense to the main subject at hand. There are statutes of limitations on many crimes that don't run out after a week.
• Only certain people can pull off wearing a smiley-face t-shirt. You're probably not one of them.
• Not everyone knows what burnt woodchuck smells or tastes like, so don't use it as a comparative reference.
  
• Keep any friends or relatives out of the immediate vicinity from where you are being interviewed who are prone to shout things out like "Hey, watch this!" or "Check this out!"
• Ice is what you get out of the freezer. Ass is what is at the top of your legs. The two are not the same and are not pronounced the same. Please do not say that you are getting some ass cream or people are going to wonder if you have a hemorrhoid issue. And unless someone drove the car over your ass, your car did not just slide on ass. It slid on ice.
• Our television transmissions are sent into outer space. Please don't let the human race down. What you say on TV could convince a highly advanced race of extraterrestrial life that has many technologies that would be usable for eliminating famine, disease, hunger, and war on Earth that it would be unwise for them to make contact with us. Why help out such a backwards race of beings? That shirt you were wearing on TV that says "I love my dog" could make or break that deal for us. They and we don't want to know that you love your dog - especially if you love your dog in unnatural ways.
  
• The reporter generally does not care to be covering this story. They want to go out and cover real news. But while they have to do this assignment, they're looking for someone entertaining, who looks or acts or says things that are totally off-the-wall. Don't give in to the stereotype and act the way they want you to act which you are naturally inclined to anyway. People do judge. It's human nature. It's something we don't want to admit we do, but we do. So try to act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

And please do the following things:

• If you're being interviewed at home, people are going to see your living room or yard (and I do understand sometimes that the two are one in the same) - so take a few minutes to tidy up beforehand. We don't need to see your arsenal of spray cheese or collection of Elvis lawn ornaments.
• Brush your teeth (at least the ones you have left)
• Comb/brush your hair (and please remember the take the rollers out first)
• Guys, please put on a shirt. This also applies to some women. Scary.
• Please put out the cigarette and/or get rid of the chewing tobacco in your mouth.
• Pull up your pants. Nobody wants to see it. This applies to men and women.
  
• Take a minute to break out your handy, dandy Roget's pocket thesaurus to find some new adjectives you've never thought of using. We pretty much went over this one in Bullet #5 in the previous list.
  
• Please don' t talk to someone with food in your mouth. We don't want to see it. Especially partially-devoured pork rinds. Throw out the bubble gum too. We really don't need to see your cow imitation
• Keep your rugrats in check, but don't discipline them on camera. Make sure they know there will be consequences if they act up on camera or in the background, either way. And please put a shirt on them, comb their hair, and take away their toy guns.
  
• Don't be judgmental on camera. Keep your opinions to yourself about other people. You don't want to be considered rude, discriminatory or intolerant whether you are or not.
• Do not refer to the photog and/or reporter as "dude" or "hey man"
  
• And, again, act like you have some common sense and use your brain.

Don't worry. The interview will be over before you know it. We thank you for your participation and look forward to making you look like a fool on TV.

Sincerely,

Your local news team

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me....

And as we're buying our Halloween candy last night for the -maybe- five or six trick or treater's that we will have, I see the above scene.

This is wrong and tacky on so many levels, I don't even know what to say, other than "Come on, Target; are you kidding me?"

Are you as disgusted by this as I was?

Brilliant...But A Little Evil Too

Everyone gets songs stuck in their head from time to time. I have one stuck in mine right now that I really didn't want in there in the first place.

My wife and I went this evening to a pizza buffet place not far from our house, called Stevi B's. They have some really unique, creative pizzas - it's one of our favorite pizza places.

Right now, after the fact, it's not - but after I get this stinking song out of my head, we'll definitely go back there sometime soon.

After we got out of the car in the Stevi B's parking lot we heard what sounded like techno music. It had a sort of dance beat to it, but nothing like club music -- more like something you'd hear on a Kidz Bop CD.

Then we heard the singing. A chorus of children singing "I like pizza, I like pizza. I like pizza all day long. Pizza in the morning. Pizza in the evening. Pizza all day long. I like pizza. I eat pizza. I dig pizza. I'll eat pizza anytime of the day"..... I'm sure you kinda get the jist.

I looked around and thought "What on Earth?" .. There was a Stevi B's van parked near the restaurant, with speakers on the top blaring this childly hypnotic groove about pizza.

Talk about your shameless advertising.

All through our time in the restaurant we heard it. I even heard a little kid as he was walking by singing along with it.

Unfortunately and admittedly, I even started singing it without quite realizing it as I went up to the buffet, got some more pizza, and sat down still humming it. My wife gave me this look. It was that look she gets when she really doesn't understand something I'm doing. It was one of those "You weirdo" looks.

We stopped by a bookstore three stores down after eating, hearing the music playing as we walked along. Then again as we headed back to the car.

Now, nearly two and half hours later, this stupid song is still in my head.

I like pizza. I really do. I think it's one of the best foods of all time. Whoever came up with it was a genius. But whoever came up with that song was a genius too.

I'm sure hundreds of children in this town go home each night after leaving Stevi B's singing "I like pizza" over and over in their car. Get it engrained in their mind; that's the hook. I'm sure their parents just love that. Brainwash them with techno music about the wonders of pepperoni and cheese. Yeah, brilliant marketing. But evil too.